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Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 11:00pm PST
. for more on this we go to samantha bee. sam, thank you for joining us. sam, how is the obama administration taking this diplomatic setback? >> oh, they really needed this one, jon. obama just really needed a win. >> jon: it's been a rough couple months with the president. >> the whole mess with the nsa, congress holding up his appointments ant healthcar.gov roll out was pathetic. >> jon: nightmare. >> a disaster stuffed in a traf industry wrapped in inexmp tense. they call the a cluster (bleep) now this softwear glitch. >> jon: what is that? >> when you try to sign up for obamacare your computer punches you in the dick. [laughter] >> jon: what if you don't have -- >> in your dick. [ laughter ] i mean -- how do you not think about that when you design a web site? obama just wants something to go right for a change. he is so desperate for a win he is playing call of duty on easy to rack up achievements it's a punk move. >> jon: it is a punk move. it's (bleep). i would never do thank i know. his staff is trying trying to cm up. they have him on the white house basketball court r
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2013 11:00pm PDT
really going to use the wizard to defend your program to say how great it is? did you watch the movie? the wizard is a car la tan. he is a two bit huckster who never gave people anything they didn't already have .. so for the most part the hearing was substantive with a smattering of silly, that doesn't mean there was nobody there just to fill the next campaign ad like cory gardner who spent the first two hours of the hearing drinking red bull and snorting coffee grounds to wait his turn. >> why won't you go into the exchange, you are part of this law and in charge of this law should you be any different than the other americans out there who are losing their health insurance? >> i am part of the 95 percent with affordable, available healthcare if i have affordable work coverage in my workplace i am not eligible to go into the workplace. >> i would encourage you to be just like the american people and enter the exchange and agree to find a way to do that. i don't care. >> it is illegal. >> stewart: did you hear her? it is illegal. doesn't stop him. well, breaking the law! i enco
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 9:35am PST
gods the belgians are here. oh, i hope they brought us some waffles. (laughter) nation, this makes me proud to be an american. to know that my tax dollars are going to help people if i pay taxes. i have an excellent accountant. he said if a shell ter, i think the feel pooens. >> america has put our money where our mouth s the boots on the ground and hads in the air like we just do care. can't say the them thing about so-called superpower china. >> china getting a bit of criticism. they've been in a long-term dispute, a land dispute, but guess what they're only giving $100,000. >> wow apparently the chinese symbol for crisis is also the one for bite me. seriously, the nation of china pledged only $100,000. i bet the colbert nation could give more than that? what do you people think? (cheers and applause) you know what, you know what? you know what, folks, nation, let's do it. let's outdonate china. to donate $10 to convoy of hope typhoon response efforts just text colbert to 50555, your donation will help bring clean water and food to the victims of typhoon haiyan, let's kick china'
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 11:30pm PST
>> jon: that is our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> lhota warns new yorkers they are about to elect a mayor who has a habit of oversleeppedding. >> what do you call it sleep >> stephen: tonight obama's latest attack on religious freedom, you can no lodge presence for preexisting naughtiness then can we trust what we read on the internet. i've got one weird trick that will help you find out. >> and going behind the scenes at fox news, i wonder how much peanut put ter takes to make fresh bear look like he's talks. >> they say halfway around the world a lie before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. why does the truth have its pants off. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, good to you have with us. nation,. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, nation, the big news continues to be the slow mot
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 9:00am PST
. the only thing left for to us do is pretend we had no idea it was happening. >> the senate intelligence committee senator diane feinstein a loyal defend are of the nsa broke ranks and said they have been kept in the dark of just what the nsa was up to demanding a total sur ray lance review. >> if only we had some way of secretly finding out what the spy organization was up-- oh, you know who could help us, the ns-- oh [bleep] it's time for a good old us of a plausible deny ability scramble. brought to you by, i don't recall if i had been specifically briefed on whether or not this is butter. (laughter) and arbies. arbies, why not challenge your stomach to a fight. so post nsa revelation, the house intelligence committee hauled in our nation's spy chiefs yesterday. who came before the congressional committee hat in hand. >> this is a tough time for nsa where everybody says what are you doing or why are you doing. it is much more important for this country that we defend this nation and take the beating than it is to give up a program that would result in this nation being at
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 11:00pm PST
console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. from comedy central in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the show, my name is jon stewart. we have a nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 9:30am PST
Ë bxb$,℠,x >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> i'm going to i is a for the last time that the gentlemen on the left be removed and ask the officer to remove. if i see one pore example of that, i will ask you all to be removed. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> stephen: boo, boo. khrapbt(audience chanting "step) oh, i love it! welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. all right, folks. folks, i've got to say -- (cheers and applause) i cannot thank you enough. you know, as i sit here -- (cheers and applause) folks, as i sit at my desk night after night, you know it's not easy to do this job. and i want to thank you. your attempt to lift my spirits are appreciated but in vain. (laughter) i'm just too angry. i mean, maybe if you shouted "i love you steven." (audience complies. ) i don't know. (laughter) maybe if you whispered it. (audience complies) (laughter) folks, but no, no, i'm just -- i'm just too mad about obamacare, folks. (laughter) you see, the rollout has been one disaster after the next.
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 1:00am PST
nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >> the web site will work much better on november 30th, december 1st than it worked certainly on october 1st. that's a pretty low barment by the time we look back on this next year the people are going to a this is working well. >> jon: let, let me be clear. when i said end of november, i did not say which november. (laughter)
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2013 7:00pm PST
. mr. reich, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) you were on the show about three years ago sounding the alarm warning if we didn't do something it would tank economy or cause a revolution. three years later i'm richer than ever. i assume you're back here to apologize. >> no, i didn't tell you exactly when it would tank the economy and cause a revolution. i said if we continue in the same direction it's dangerous for the economy and dangerous for our democracy and i still think it is very dangerous. >> stephen: how did it cause an economic collapse? i don't understand why me having all the money is a bad thing. >> most americans, the vast middle-class and the poor don't the purchasing power to the economy going which is why this recovery is the most anemic recovery on record. >> stephen: how long until this reaches a crisis point? if we hold off long enough i may have enough money to start my own economy and blow this one off. >> well, some people are so wealthy that they are leaving the united states and they are setting up tax havens abroad and they are in effect
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 11:30pm PST
: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you for joining us. folks, can i have your attention? please, can i have your attention? (laughter) i have a major announcement to make. i don't like barack obama. (laughter) there, i said it. where do i find the courage? i tell you why, folks, the man is a liar. remember how he sold us obamacare? >> if you like your insurance plan, you will keep it. >> stephen: but now millions of americans have had their coverage ripped from them. i believe it's the plot of "taken 3." (laughter) first it was his daughter, then his wife, now they've taken his health plan. (laughter) i have particular set of skills. yes, i'll hold. well, folks, we finally got the hard numbers on obamacare's disastrous first month. stop, hemmer time. >> fox's alert now. we get our first look at the obamacare enroll. numbers and this has a long way to go. "wall street journal" reports fewer than 50,000 americans successfully signed up. >> stephen: 50,000! to put that into perspective, that is fewer people than watch "up late" with alec baldwin. (laughter) just look at the numbers
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2013 2:00am PST
). >> chris: all right charlie sheen very mad at his ex-wife for reasons. (laughter) charlie sheen used twitlonger to go on an epic rant about the mother of his two children. which of the following is a real thinly-veiled threat from charlie's twitter rant. a) there will be a reckoning. b.) it's an abhorrent dick dance. (laughter) c.) bob, if you delete this you are cooked and fired like a luau swine. (laughter) which one? which one is real. ali wong? >> i'll say it's "c" even though i don't know abhorpblt means. >> chris: the correct answer is all of the above! this was a tweet! things you write on the internet can be used against you charlie sheen. hey, oprah winfrey had a yard sale over the weekend and grossed over $600,000. (audience reacts) >> yeah, i bet it was a lot of scales. (laughter) lot of scales, lot of george foreman grills and lot of dildos with the name gayle tattooed on them. (laughter) what? what? >> chris: i think i have to give you 100 points for that ali. (cheers and applause) why not? why not? according to the huffington post, or the huff po. at $60,000, what was t
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 1:00am PST
. >> when we started this fight it was because we were tired of xbox people telling us playstation sucked. now we're an army of our own. >> i can't guarantee you will live, but i can guarantee before this is is over the winner of the console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us. our guests tonight shall we're excited about this from the hill aruous television program key and peele, we have keele and pee on the show tonight. chors plaus. >> jon: lucky was farsd, man, those dudes are funny. if you are anything like me, you can't digest milkment but also-- (laughter) you watch a lot of television news. and if you do you might have noticed the question that is increasingly on the med why's mind. >> was this racist? an alabama sorority accused of rejecting
Comedy Central
Nov 25, 2013 9:35am PST
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 1:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jon s captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, welcome, welcome one and all! my friends, my true friends. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, after a greeting like that i just want to blow your bagpipe. (laughter) folks, i hope you know that when it comes to sexual equality in the workplace i take a backseat to no one except my driver pablo. okay. he's a guy, because if you have seen how women parallel park, huh-uh. but today, folks, i believe that we as a nation crossed an imaginary line that is suddenly all too real. "the colbert report"'s someone on msnbc has more. >> we're watching the senate floor where they just passed the employment nondiscrimination act which provides workplace protection for the lgbt community. >> stephen: you hear that workplace community for the lgbt community. they want to make it illegal for an emplo
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 7:00pm PST
one place on earth they should never be used, jim? >> drones, america's number one weapon against al qaeda much but what happened when big brother brings them home. >> a new generation of surveillance drone kos soon be watching us all from overhead. >> that could be as many as 30,000 of these kind of drones. they will, in effect, bring every single backyard in america into the authorities view. >> backyards like yours. but in quiet deer trail, colorado, one courageous patriot named phil steel is fighting back. >> what i'm protesting are the principleses of freedom on which this nation is founded. who i am protecting is every american citizen. >> and how will he protect us these flying deaths. >> philip steel is a difference maker. >> deer trail is known for many things. >> deer trail, colorado, is known for its home of the first rodeo. >> it had a rodeo, the first rodeo. >> this town is known as the world's first rodeo. >> okay, just one thing. but now it's known for phil steel, a man famous for shooting for the stars. >> a lot of people just think he's -- >> i'm sorry, a what. >> if
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 9:30am PST
[cheers and applause] >> hey, everybody. thank you for joining us. that's our show. tomorrow night at 11:00 i can't even tell you how excited i am, mr. bill cosby. [cheers and applause] that's a generous audience right there because you know what they don't get to say. here it is your moment of zen. >> is this political correctness gone too far? kevin? >> it doesn't deserve a comment. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, the president does damage control on obamacare. if you like your burst appendix, you can keep it. (laughter) then scandal surrounds a popular clothing line. apparently spanx is not an invitation. and my guest, steve mcqueen is director of the film "12 years a slave." it's the harrowing story of a non-superhero movie being made in hollywood. (laughter) butterball warns there may be a turkey shortage. apparently they were caught off guard by this whole thanksgiving thing. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "ste
Comedy Central
Nov 11, 2013 9:30am PST
>> jon: that's our show, join us torjs here is your moment of zen. >> i have had a lot of people ask me for hugs. a lot of people. >> will you get your hugs later, brother. >> i guess there is open bar captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ). folks, thanks so much. you know i need to-- folks, right off the top of the show, let's get to the big story tonight, the mayoral election right here in new york city. with zero precincts reporting, as far as i bothered to research, we're prepared to name bill deblasio the next mayor of new york city beating noted kitten grinder joe lhota. mayor deblasio, i support you, and so does my 64-ounce mountain dew. sir, you've got some very small shoes to fill. of course the bigger mayoral news comes to us out of toronto, and the drug scandal engulfing chris farley tribute mayor rob ford. afte
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 7:30pm PST
call all of us together to lower our expectations for the web site. >> there are going to be ups and downs during the course of my presidency. i think i said early on when i was running i am not a per income man and i will not be a perfect president. but i will wake up every single day working as hard as i can. (laughter) >> jon: that wasn't the slogan you campaigned on. i think when you campaigned you were a "yes, we can" i don't remember the other slogan. (laughter) but i'm sorry, you were saying something? >> we fumbled the rollout on this health care law. that's on us, not on them. it's not on them, it's on us. that's on me. and again, that's on us. which is why-- s that's on me. >> it's me, i did it, i [bleep] upped. do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay. kick this ass, that's all. i'm not asking, i'm telling with this. kick my ass. >> jon: i can't believe this. the web site, the web site fiasco has basically turned our president into artie. but of course for every cloud there is a silver lining. certainly the rollout for the president's signature legislative accomplishment
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 11:00pm PST
] news joins me, best news team for more on last night's election. with us tonight we have got sir aasif mandvi, jason jones esquire and dr. al madrigal. once again the media spends months and months speculating on what is going to happen in this election, what might happen in this election. then on the eve of the election they spend 10 minutes reporting on what actually happened and jump right back into what it means for the next election. >> it's pathetic. >> embarrassing. >> yeah, so [bleep] those guys. >> they were way off. >> way off, they were-- . >> jon: wait, they were way off? >> yes, the message of this election is clear, terri mcauliffe's win proves in 2016 democrats will nominate terri mcauliffe. >> jon: wait, terri mcauliffe t that is idiotic. >> he won. >> jon: he won one election, that's -- >> how do you not get that? >> it's math, jon. >> jon: this election proves then for the republicans that chris chrisiest will be the nominee in 2016, is that right. >> jon-- (laughter) >> sweet, sweet brain damaged jon. (laughter) let me mash up this news and spoon-feed it to you. base
Comedy Central
Nov 13, 2013 7:00pm PST
and then they'd have to use their nukes! (laughter) fortunately, the deal was stopped by our closest ally. >> france says forget it, no deal. >> the french just said look, pause, forget it. we want to halt the entire program. >> france was the country to stand up and say no to this. they said the deal was too easy on tehran. >> stephen: yes, france! the country that put the oui in "we give up." (laughter). (cheers and applause) folks, of the six-nation team -- we love it. we love france. (laughter) of the six-nation team negotiating with iran, only france had the escargots to say non and you know it was a band deal if france is turning down a six-way. (laughter) french foreign minister and butler in a grey poupon ad laurient fabius said "the agreement was too easy on tehran. one wants a deal but not a sucker's deal." and, folks, france know's a sucker's deal. they're the ones who sold us louisiana. (laughter) we should have saved the receipt. now our president's been outtoughed but the french. that's like being outsoberred by toronto mayor rob ford. and i'm not the only one. we stand
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 9:00am PST
the lovely, the talented jennifer lawrence will be joining us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] but real quick off the top i don't know if you happened to be near a television set today -- [laughter] -- although clearly you are at one right now. that was a stupid opening, wasn't it? [laughter] but you might have heard the big news out of the senate. >> harry reid is poised to the launch the nuclear option. >> jon: noooo! no, harry don't -- there's still good in this world. [ laughter ] don't kill us all. [ laughter ] what is the nuclear option, by the way? >> the nuclear option means that it would only take 51 votes, a simple majority to get -- overcome this filibuster threat. [laughter] >> jon: oooooooh. [ laughter ] so deciding to allow majority rules to ings. ally -- incrementally increase government efishcy is so extreme it's the nuclear option. it's just like hero -- hiroshima of voting. how will mitch mcconnell counter? >> mr. president, i move to adurn the senate until 5:00 p.m. and ask for the yeas and nays. >> jon: hey, everybody is it just me or
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 11:30pm PST
you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, tonight -- folks, thank you. i -- i thank you. i thank you for your honoring of me tonight but, folks, i've got to tell you -- please, sit down. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, as much -- folks, as much as i love you praising me, tonight i have to start with a praise for you, the colbert nation. because last week, folks, i called out china for donating a measly $100,000 in cash to typhoon victims in the philippines. evidently china can't relate to storm damage because their air is too thick to actually move. (laughter) folks, i was so upset that i called on you, the nation, to outdo china by texting "colbert" to 50555 to donate $10 to convoy of hope, philippines relief effort. and thousands of texts poured in-- as did one or two sex -ts. (laughter) inappropriate but appreciated. and since thursday at midnight, you have raised-- brace yourselves-- a quarter of a million dollars! (cheers and applause) that is -- hold on. (cheers and applause) that's more than $100,000. (laughter) folks, you did it. eat it, china. ea
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 7:30pm PST
goid over to the couch. [laughter] >> look at us with our functional legs as we head over to the couch. look at us ladies. da, da, da da da da. i'm going to do a little jig. not to look a gift horse in the mouth but i'm seriously thinking they just brainstorm waves. [laughter] smell the news. >> jon: my point is this. we're actually going to be rolling out the sponsored segments that it might be time for bring the news look. [laughter] that leads perfectly into tonight's, if you only need this much to filibuster why do they have to get this to filibuster. wow, that was terrible. the perfect entree to -- sponsored by arby's because your hunger is stronger than your memory. in case you're wondering ... so >> jon: you can see we have coming movie. >> everything as changed. >> how has it changed. >> he had another stroke last night. he was good in the race. >> that's good. not for him obviously. [bleep] that's an outstanding development. >> wow honey bear, guess who just announced he's running? can't you see you're in a man cave anymore. he's waiting to get re-elected. >> jon: john goodman
Comedy Central
Nov 10, 2013 4:30am PST
reststops on the information super highway. let us meet our comedians. headlining u.c.b. chelsea in new york november 8, it's baron >> host of "how was your week?" podcast available on itunes, it's julie klausner. hey, julie. >> host of "no, you shut up" on fusion network and "speakeasy" on mademan.com, it's paul f. tompkins. ( cheers and applause ) >> it was a good idea. >> thank you. >> big news tonight, guys. it is twuck buddy thursday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the "@midnight" twitter account, so they and their twuck buddy will be winners and win fapulous prizes. >> baron is playing for upcomingmagica. julie is playing for jdijosh. paul is playing for sweetiebirdr. >> not bad at all. all right, ripped from today's internet headlines it's "rapid refresh." first comedian to buzz in with the the correct answer get 100 points. all right. wow. okay twitter has set its initial stock price at $26 a share, and it's already way up past that. it was 45 earlier. i think it's higher now. did you guys get any twitter stock. did you purchase any twitter stoc
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2013 11:00pm PST
goodman. john goodman going to be joining us. before we start brief update on a story we were talking about yesterday, toronto mayor rob ford today clarified his earlier denials he had been caught on video smoking crack cocaine clarifying by admitting he had in fact been caught on video tape smoking crack cocaine. >> yes, i was smoking crack cocaine. do i? am i aam i am addict? have i tried it. probably in one of my drunken stupors. a crack user. i'm a social crack user. when i drink i smoke a little crack. obviously today the scandal was disgraceful and the only thing left for him to do. >> i was elected to do a job and that's exactly what i'm going to continue doing. on october 27th, of 2014, i want the people of this city to decide whether they want rob ford to be their mayor. [laughter] >> that's huge. [bleep] your sister. i'm going to stay married to you? [laughter] >> i'm hoping to continue [bleep] >> he decided, didn't he, good. i'm going to run for election. mayor ford, we need camera three. [laughter] you need help. and i don't mean help carrying a case of beer down into the
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 7:00pm PST
his legacy is now set-- bad at using technology to extend life, good at using technology to end it. (audience reacts) and this failure goes beyond the web site, folks. remember, the president repeatedly said "if you like your plan, you can keep it." but now millions of plans are being canceled. so last week, the president held a press conference to address the problem. jim? >> oh, the humanity! >> stephen: no, no, no! jim, no, wrong disaster. (laughter) you know what? you know what? i think cnn's the don lemon put obama's public implosion into the proper perspective. >> you won't find two politicians who've had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. they've had a pretty bad week. (audience reacts) president obama saying sorry over and over for his so-called signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, obama is in the same tight spot as toronto's crack-smoking mayor. i mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. both had press conferences-- and that's it. (laughter) but, folks, comparing the first
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 9:00am PST
goodwin will be joining us. let's begin tonight-- ( laughter ) i am the worst segue person in the world. let's begin tonight. let's begin tonight! ( laughter ) i can't figure it out. let's begin tonight with an eye on the media in our new segment meh culpa. one of the most hallowed names in all of journalism is "60 minutes," a show that has for week after week for over 45 minutes brought us 58 minutes of hard-hitting groundbreaking investigation into everything from corporate greed and corrupt governance, and two minutes of musings. >> bought 1,000 honey due melons and only three of them were ripe over the years. ( laughter ) >> jon: i think he'd want to be remembered as somebody who was-- a great writer-- ( cheers and applause ) it's almost as if the audience was trained behaviorably to react to something that we-- ( laughter ) exwaish the man clearly could not pick out good produce. my point is this-- last month, it looked like "60 minutes" had done it again, scoring an exclusive interview with an eyewitness to the terrible events in benghazi. >> one guy saw me. he just shouted.
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 1:30am PST
you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. i got a-- ( cheers and applause ) folks. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, folks. thank you for your support. thank you for joining us on this, the last day of america, because, folks, it is all over. i am-- i am packing up and getting out of this country and moving back to south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) and here's why-- >> breaking news, senate democrats vote to approve the so-called nuclear options. >> before the democrats voted to change the rules, the nuclear option through that up, totally changed the rules. >> they changed filibuster rules to end the 60 vote threshold. >> stephen: they used the nuclear option. that will give congress radiation burns. ( laughter ) too late! ( laughter ) folks, that scared the socks off-- i'll pack my underwear suitcase later. folks, we have just witnessthe death of an american institution, the power of the minority to filibuster anything they didn't like is one of our founding principles. that's why it's not in the constitution. ( laughter )
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 7:30pm PST
william, jason jones, aasif manned very. thank you for joining us. we are very excited about this segment. it's a beautiful segment, a big segment. >> okay, well, first of all that is one weak segment title. (laughter) >> jon: you have a better title. >> yeah, of course i do. >> jon: okay. >> welcome to straight trippers or we cool. >> jon: isn't that title racist. >> oh, yes, definitely, but not if i say it. >> jon: all right, let's go on to our first story if we k we will start this is an easy one if you want, easy one. >> halloween is over but its controversy surrounding a costume is continuing after a boy dressed as a member of the ku klux klan. >> jon: okay, remember we're starting fresh. panel wa, do you think opinions racist. >> i want to say adorable. (laughter) >> that is racist, jon. >> what are you guying talking about. he looks like a pointy ghost. >> what? >> okay, fine, racist but adorable racist. >> all right. we're going move on to the story, slightly more difficult. this is difficult. >> white republican from texas came up with an unorthodox strategy to appeal to a mostly
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2013 9:00am PST
would nail us for. >> jon: oh, snap! did he use a magic marker to change clifford the big red dog to clifford the big red (bleep). for the record miss ferguson that crushed. sorry what did he do? >> plagiarism. >> he apparently lifted several lines of his speak directly from wikipedia. >> in the movie gatica in the too distant future eugenics is common -- vincent freeman is conceive and born the old fashioned way without the aid of genetic screening. >> jon: i'm going to pretend here that the thing we're supposed to be concerned about is that rand paul is supposed to be warning people -- he's warning the imunt a threat from an ethan hawke movie. they need rookie cops and for one day a year crime is legal and where -- um -- [laughter] days are broken. [ laughter ] and a world -- [laughter] (bleep). where the finest things come from brooklyn and i have no (bleep) idea. i don't know. i never -- how many of these -- all right. a lot of movies i haven't seen yet. as far as plagiarism goes and i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. >> i think the spoken word shouldn't be held to the sa
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2013 2:00am PST
with the correct answer gets 100 points. remember the days of old when we used to watch plaintiffs on these weird things called videotapes? of course you don't. that's why blockbuster went out of business. all right, with over 4,000 upvotes a photograph was trending on reddit of a vhs tape posted by a son whose parents taped over "matthew's first birthday." maybe it was his ( bleep ) birthday pup don't know. comedians, what did the parents tape over "matthew's first birthday with." his sister's bat mitzvah. with "ghostbusters 2". or, the o.j. simpson verdict. yes, jason. >> i i was going to go with the o.j. simpson verdict. i was going to go with the mother having sex with ray jay put but i'm going with "ghostbusters 2". >> "ghostbusters 2" is the correct answer! ( cheers and applause ). >> i love that it's written in pencil. they couldn't erase it? one line through it. >> matthew knows where he stands. >> by the way that wasn't even an descental thing. this is intense. they crossed it out. >> that's sending a message toa that one-year-old little ( bleep ). get out of line and we'l
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2013 7:30pm PST
mayor outright. he smoked crack right. >> that's what he told us. >> he talked about eating (bleep) in a press conference. >> i didn't hear it live but it had one of those words bleepped out. >> he definitely said (bleep). >> i think they bleeped it out again. >> were you on crack as well? >> if you look at the motion in its part it invites him to leave that's the good part. it invites him to come back. i couldn't tolerate that. >> so the motion wasn't harsh enough for parker. he did have another way to punish him. >> we would like to ask the integrity commissioner. >> do you have an obvious commissioner like the (bleep) council? >> we didn't think we needed that sort. >> in america we have a ton of experience with this type of thing but toronto is truly incapable of dealing with (bleep). >> we have an election next fall. >> in 2014? >> 2014. >> what is the wrong with the system here? >> people call it democracy. >> it's more like a pussocacracy. who in their right mind are the 20% of torontoans who support him? >> he's doing a great job. >> rob ford is the most fiscally responsible ma
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2013 7:00pm PST
snyder for continuing to use what they call a racial slur. >> for us, the r word is the "n" word. >> wrong. it's if the r word was the "n" word i wouldn't be able to say it on the air, watch this, redskin redskin redskin. see? (laughter) totally fine. now let me try that with the n word. n -- ♪ ♪ ♪ okay, so sign here, and sign here, there, i'm sorry, apologize, no, i wrote the "n" word again, apologize. there you go. there you go. all right, thank you, thank you. anyway, redskins team owner dan snyder has defended keeping the name by citing a recent ap poll that found that 79% of americans are in favor of keeping the name. 21% want the redskins to change it but i bet those are the same people who want to change the name of potato skins for offending the irish. but folks, in an open letter to fans snyder explained i was born a fan of the washington redskins. that tradition, the song, the cheer, it matters so much to me as a child. it isn't just where we came from, it's who we are. yes, our past is who we are, we redskin fans are prone to this land since 19-- 33. now stranger
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 7:00pm PST
greedy. if you let us keep don't ask, don't tell, nobody would know if your same-sex partner was gay. ( laughter ) now, according to some obscure the u.s. constitution, denying rights to a specific minority group is illegal. so governor fallon is ensuring that all okla-humans are treated equally by ordering state-owned national guard facilities to stop processing all military spouse benefits. now, every oklahoma national guard member will have to travel to a federally run facility to apply for benefits. in some cases, that would be an additional four-hour road trip. it will be fun. you can play a game of eye spy and arbitrary denial of my rights. ( laughter ) now, governor fallon is setting a great precedent here. rather than provide any services for gay people, the government should refuse to provide them for everyone. because once a gay person gets something, it gets their gay all over it. ( laughter ) that's why i think we should shut down the fire departments. if i find out that firefighters also rescue guy people, suddenly, it will seem gay for me to have their calendar. ( laugh
Comedy Central
Nov 19, 2013 1:00am PST
? >> of course there's guantanamo, my pet goat leek, valerie plame leak. bush left us with presidential terds to choose from. >> i see it as the waterboarding. health care.gov is the towel wrapping around our faces and the board is the failed promise of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember that press conference. [ laughter ] >> jon: actually that -- if i may, al, that never happened. >> yeah, but it could have. >> jon: all right. if we're looking for a comparison isn't obamacare most like bush's medicare part d program. it was a rollout, flawed a large change in our system but wound up being repaired around working well. >> that say stupid comparison, jon. medicare p
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 2:00am PST
us. this is week four of our run and you guys have been fantastic. thank you for tuning in and sending in all your tweets to the "@midnight" account. i am showing you parts of the birnt that you never knew existed, some of don't even want to know existed. i'm a lorne, a rebel. tonight's comedians are: from the "judge john hodgman" podcast on maximumfun.org performing at neptune in seattle november 22, it's john hodgman. ( cheers and applause ) mr. hodgman! i was very pleads to see you jumped on the holiday band wagon changing your twitter name to john cranberry sauce. >> yes. someone ideal at me for continuing my halloween name too long. >> what! that are stupid. from "daily grace" on utiewrks it is grace helbig! ( cheers and applause ) >> you two juggernauts with over two million subscribers. >> hi. >> what's your favorite youtube comment you've ever received? >> that women be half minded. >> wait a minute. all women? >> yeah yeah. >> all women or half of women? >> it's didn'table. i don't know. what-- what other half women. >> if i had a full brain, i could answer that. ( lau
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2013 9:00am PST
. mayor while you are still able to speak -- [laughter] can you tell us what were you thinking? >> i made mistakes. what am i thinking? >> jon: i find in situations like this it's best to begin with crack smoking but of course i do not. >> i shouldn't have got hammer. if you are going to have a couple drinks you stay at home. but then that's it you don't make a public spectacle of yourself. [ laughter ] >> jon: one, i would very much like to know what happened down there and two, you realize, from now on i'm just going to (bleep) at home. may not be the answer to either your substance abuse problems or your job as the guy who runs toronto. [ laughter ] if you guys need me i'll be in the basement. [ laughter ] getting all drunk and (bleep) and sucking (bleep). [ laughter ] must be nice to look at a city so problem free that can be run for years by a hard drinking crack mayor. new york doesn't work that way, the city never sleeps. the big apple. [cheers and applause] boom! [cheers and applause] the city so nice they named it twice like sirhan sirhan. bad example. [ laughter ] as you kn
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